America’s Cup Survival Guide For Newport RI Locals
America’s Cup Newport Rhode Island
The craziness that is the America’s Cup World Series is finally here. It’s been a long time since a sailing event of this magnitude has taken place in Newport, so we’ve taken it upon ourselves to let the locals know what to expect, along with a few pointers.
Tip #1: Do you downtown errands early.
All the action is happening at Fort Adams and on the water, meaning that is where everyone will be. If you need to get things done downtown, do it while the teams are on the water and everyone is watching them. Once you have everything taken care of, take a couple hours and relax. It’s the summer after all.
Around 5:30-5:45, why not head down to the Fort Adams entrance and park your car…wherever. You’ll probably see a lot of cars driving out of Fort Adams at this point. Feel free to walk in front of them. This is Newport, after all, where pedestrians have the right of way and pedestrians know that no one driving a car has anywhere to go to in a hurry.
Tip #2: Make sure to hit up Ocean Drive.
Brenton Point is going to be PACKED. Don’t even bother with a car. Just rent a bike from the guy with the top hat or steal your neighbor’s moped. Pick up some smoking paraphernalia and then head out on the drive. Once you get by the water, look around for news vans and the like. Somewhere with a lot of people with video cameras. Now sit back, smoke some bath salts and see where the day takes you.
Tip #3: Be friendly hosts to our foreign visitors.
Despite the obvious winner having their name as part of the event, you will probably meet people from various foreign countries as you make your way around town. Now, it is important to remember that foreigners have all been taught that Americans are a very insular people with very little interest about things that take place outside our island…, I meant country. These people are here to concentrate on sailing, not to have some shocking revelation about the American people in general or Newporters in particular…so wherever they say they’re from, always respond with “Never heard of it.” If they proceed to try to explain where their country is and that nonsense, make sure to cut them off with a “Wait, didn’t we save your asses in World War II?” especially anyone from “Sweden”.
Tip #4: Know your America’s Cup Hot Spots.
The Clarke Cooke House, 41 North, 22 Bowens, The Mooring; These famous Newport hotspots will be filled to the gills with blue bloods and nouveau riche alike trying to “bump” into Ted Turner. If you’re a tycoon looking for peers to vent about the problems that arise in the ownership of a $20 million yacht, this is where you want to be.
If not, hit up Broadway instead.
Tip #5: Help a sailor out.
If you see an America’s Cup sailor at the bar talking to an hot blonde, chances are that he’s trapped in some dull conversation about her eyes or who owes who a kiss where, so save the guy by pulling alongside and loudly changing the subject to everyone’s favorite topic…YOUR AMAZING YACHT! The girl’s probably trying to force her number on him, so whenever she pipes in, make sure to cut her off and bring the subject back to your fine vessel.
Tip #6: Have fun.
It’s been a long time since the sailing world has been this focused on Newport. Bask in the glory for a minute or two…preferably before you puke off the deck of your uncle’s yacht, the S.S. Motorboatin’.
Also be sure to checkout the Newport Phrasebook
-Tristan Pinnock, Buzz Staff