Bachelorette Parties Suck!
Bachelorette Parties in Newport, RI
Bachelorette Party season in Newport Rhode Island seems to be all year round…and this is, for the most part, a terrible thing. The bachelorette party had so much potential but at some point it all went horribly wrong.
Bachelorette parties are just such a weird animal. They are “fun” as dictated by a bridal version of a condo association. There will be penises present, but they will be in the form of straws. I understand that we males are the less mature of the genders, but really? These expeditions have a PG-13 feel to them, where they’re trying to be cheeky, but at the same time, trying to make sure that no one gets really embarrassed or offended. Tiaras, sashes (pardon me but did I see you in the Ms. America pageant?), scavenger hunt checklists that include some dudes boxers, fuzzy handcuffs and candy necklaces would probably be fun for a high school sleepover, but in the Newport bar scene, they’re kind of lame. Oh and PLEASE lose the blow up dolls!
If there are any gentlemen reading this, the best piece of advice I can give you is that if you see a grown woman wearing a tiara (and her name isn’t Princess Beatrice) run away.
What makes the bachelorette party really un-fun for most of the people involved is that it amplifies the worst aspects of any girls’ night out. It is said that a bride will lose at least one of her best friends in the process of getting married. What guy in his right mind is going to spend a night dancing in that kind of dramatic minefield? Even if one can penetrate the flock mentality, one of the self-appointed prison guards will make sure that no one escapes to have any fun with the guys. Unless there is a squad of OCS candidates at the bar, the guys simply won’t have enough wingmen to jump on all the grenades.
Of course, given all the recommendations Newport, RI gets as a bachelorette party mecca, it’s unlikely that this epidemic is going to end anytime soon.
In the immortal words of our good friend Katie Egan “Stupid bachelorettes with your dumb penis straws. Real original. My bachelorette party = drive to Mexico and kidnap five Mexicans who will play mariachi at my wedding.” Well said Katie, well said!
-Tristan Pinnock, Newport Buzz