Helpful Hints For When You’re Having Too Good A Time
How To Manage The Damage When You’re On A Newport Bender
The typical summer in Newport involves the occasional overconsumption of alcohol. We here at the Buzz have done extensive research into this subject in the hopes that we can pass on some valuable lessons to you, our reader. A small fortune and a battalion of brain cells were lost in this effort.
1) Eat Something!
Nothing takes your night into a death spiral like drinking on an empty stomach. You’ll just be drinking like you normally do and an hour and a half later, you’ll forget where the floor is.
So make sure you’re swallowing something solid along with your libations. Keep in mind that there aren’t too many places that serve food past 10pm, so act accordingly. You can get food at Benjamin’s until midnight every night and at Pour Judgment Sun-Thurs.
2) Ask the Important Questions early.
Things are going to get fuzzier that later it gets, so try to get the important parts of any conversation done early. That way the blackout will just eat the small talk.
3) Have an escape plan!
Upon entering a bar, you should know how long you want to stay there and how quickly you might want to leave. Why might you want to leave? Well, you might run into a bunch of friends who want to go somewhere else…or you just want to do the Newport Ditch. Let’s break down your payment options:
A) Pay-as-you-go-CASH. This is the simplest way to go. You order a drink. You pay for it.
Advantage: You want to leave? You walk out the door.
Disadvantage: It extends the whole purchasing process. You’ll end up with a bunch of small bills in your pocket by the end of the night.
B) Pay-as-you-go-CREDIT. Don’t do this.
Advantage: Same as cash.
Disadvantage: By the time your order your third drink, your bartender will SHOOT YOU IN THE FACE.
C) Tab. If you use cash for this one, you’re going to need a chunk of it for this one, so hit up the ATM or get a job as a server or bartender before you head out. Maybe rob a bank.
Advantage: Everyone likes it when you run a tab. It means you’re going to stick around and drink a lot. So you’re more likely to get hooked up when you run a tab.
Disadvantage: You still need to get a bartender’s attention when you need to pay it. This isn’t a problem at somewhere where it isn’t too busy, but if the crowd at the bar is three deep, you could be waiting 10-15 minutes to get out of there, which can seem like forever if you’re trying to flee the irritating acquaintance talking your ear off.
4) Mission Accomplishment
“I wanted a mission, and for my sins, they gave me one.” –Apocalypse Now
Sometimes one of your partners-in-crime will get a mission. There’s a good chance that it’s going to be stupid and it’s probably going to embarrass them. Use your best judgment, and sense of entertainment, to determine whether you should egg them on or talk them out of it, but realize at some point, you’re going to have to shrug and say “Well, you gotta do what you gotta do.”
Whether you decide to follow them so you can put a video of them outside their ex-girlfriend’s apartment, blasting “In Your Eyes” from a boom-box on YouTube is up to you.
5) Your Black Box
At some point, you’re going to wake up. This is probably not going to be the most enjoyable experience for you, unless you hit way out of your league with the gender of your choice the previous night…in which case the usual feelings of shame and disgust are now someone else’s problem
So while you’re trying to put the previous night back together in your mind, you’re going to notice your smartphone…either because it’s next to the bed you’ve woken up in…or because it’s sticking to your back. Chances are that this device recorded your train wreck of an evening, with plenty of photos and a whole bunch of random texts you don’t remember sending, let alone understand.
You probably want to wait a little while before you venture to the texts, so start with Facebook, see who tagged you doing what and kind of ease your way the rest of the way until you’re ready to see what you spouted off in “private” conversations.*
*Remember, what comes in on a group text goes out on a group text.
6) A Soft Landing
Please think ahead and have a local spot to crash (and we don’t mean into a tree).
7) Recovery
When planning a good bender, make sure you have at least a good morning to recover, if not a whole day. This will allow you time to put your life back in order, figure out that your friends probably don’t hate you for the stupid crap you did last night, try to move on from the mistakes you made with your crushes and drink a lot of water.
The good news is that the summer only lasts so long in Newport, so your self-destructive antics will eventually have to come to an end.
-Tristan Pinnock, Buzz Staff
