President Trump To Turn Newport Landmark Into Summer White House Styled Hotel/Casino.
In a deal announced late Friday night that has national political pundits theorizing that it’s just a blatant attempt to deflect from the Russia probes, President Donald J. Trump has reached a deal with the Newport Preservation Society to purchase the historic Breakers Mansion for $112-million.What does the President of the United States of America have in mind for the Vanderbilt property? He’s going to turn Newport’s most majestic home into a summer White House with a hotel and casino. While Trump says that he intends to maintain the ‘true character’ of the mansion, he says there are upgrades that need to be carried out to get the location up to code for a business and to add a nuclear button. “There are a few changes that have to be made, but I can assure you, I will spare no expense and they’ll all be tastefully done and I can tell you if anyone and I mean anyone looks at me sideways or sends me a mean tweet, I’ll drop a bomb on their asses so fast it’ll make their heads spin!” He then presented an artist’s rendition of what he intends the interior of the Breakers to look like.
“We’ll have the hotel rooms upstairs, the casino downstairs and a Robert Redford-themed restaurant in the entrance hall, it’s gonna be HUUUGE! I’m a big fan of Redford’s body of work and Newport is the perfect location for the celebration of his films, especially The Great Gatsby which was shot just down the street at Rosecliff (although if you ask me, that place is kind of a dump.) He’s also one of my partners on the project. And now I’m never one to drop names, but Rex Tillerson and Vladimir Putin are also very excited about this project. VERY excited! Well not Rex so much, but you know what I’m saying. AND to top it off, Mike Flynn is going to be head of security!”
When asked about how the mansion could be used as a casino without voter approval, Trump referenced a little known 1891 Rhode Island statute that apparently allows privately-owned buildings with either original gold leaf decor or marble construction to be used for table games. “It looks like the 1% knew what they were doing back then too,” Trump added. “Besides, I’m the President of the United States and the people love me, they LOVE me! Just try and stop me,” Trump said while firing off a tweet calling CNN fake news and taunting Anderson Cooper whose family used to own the famed property.
“And depending on what happens to Oracle’s stock price, I might want to take Astor’s Beechwood off Larry Ellison’s hands, I mean have you seen what Lyin’ Larry has done to the property? It’s blasphemy! It would make an amazing Trump Towers Astor’s Taj Majal of Blackjack/ First daughter’s palace for Ivanka. I’m also looking at Belcourt Castle. Not sure what’s happening at Alex & Ani. Don’t need to know. But if Carolyn Rafaelian needs to unload the property, I’m very interested in creating Trump’s Belcourt Slot Emporium. Once again, this will all be tastefully done and in keeping with Newport’s historic character of neon signs and massive spotlights. I see no reason why we can’t do to Newport what we did to Atlantic City. There is no reason whatsoever why Rhode Island can’t be the next New Jersey and that’s where Chris Christie comes in. He tells me he’ll have no problem shutting down the out bound lanes on the Newport Bridge, so that should keep people here a bit longer.”
“Needs a bit more neon.” -Donald Trump
When Trudy Coxe, CEO of the Preservation Society was asked to comment, she said,
“Frankly, after this whole headache with the Breakers Visitors Center and repeatedly beating the Bellevue-Ochre Point Neighborhood Association like a rented mule, I’m more than happy to sit back and laugh while I watch Donald’s vision for this property come to fruition. Besides, Donald Trump is President of the United States and Newport hasn’t had a president living here since Jack Kennedy slept with half the summer staff at Bailey’s Beach in 1963, so this whole deal is really a no brainer.”
Jim Moore, president of the Bellevue-Ochre Point Neighborhood Association could not be reached for comment as of press time. However, sources tell us that Mr. Moore was last seen rocking against the wall at Rovensky Park while muttering “NIMBY” to himself repeatedly.
So stay tuned to the Buzz. There’s a Floyd Mayweather fight coming to Ochre Point this summer and Don King has declared The Newport Buzz as its official website. We’ll be selling tickets via Yotme and holding card-girl tryouts in the next month.
– Christian Winthrop, Buzz April Fools Correspondent
and for those with reading comprehension issues…APRIL FOOLS!