Folks, I’ve found it. If this isn’t the crime of the century in Newport, then I don’t know what is. 

Over the weekend, local Karen crime fighter/Global Cyber Security and Privacy Regulatory Compliance Consultant William Gamble was enjoying a peaceful walk through King Park when he witnessed a crime so foul, so despicable, so depraved, that I shudder at the thought and am hesitant to even describe it here. But being a capital J journalist, it is my sworn duty to our community to report the truth and expose the bad actors in our beautiful City-by-the-Sea.

I’ll let Mr. Gamble describe the intolerable hell that he witnessed.

“I noticed an elderly gentleman with a metal detector in King Park. He was not on the beach, he was in the park itself. When he made a ‘hit’ he pulled out an entrenching tool and started digging through the grass. I challenged this activity and he stated he had a permit” Mr. Gamble posted on Next Door Newport, a site popular among local Karen’s and Brad’s. “I have researched the issue and cannot find any such thing. I believe this activity is fine on a beach, but in a public park the activity defaces public property. Thoughts?”

Vilhelm Gamble is the perfect example of the saying that “not all heroes wear capes.” Newport needs more people like Mr. Gamble to completely not mind their own damn business and try to ruin to fun of an old man who is ducking Covid left and right like a third grader with a broken leg playing dodgeball with the big kids. How dare that elderly scofflaw try to find some enjoyment in the sunset of his life and escape this Covid hell we’re all living in?

Will Gamble pipes back in to support law and order and compares metal detecting to having sex in public!!

And lest you think Billy is all alone in his pursuit of justice, Catherine & Dinane do their best Karen impressions!

Woah, Billy boy changes tack and comes out swinging for truth, justice and the American way!

A sincere thank you to Willy Gamble for being the hero we all deserve in 2020!

Cue the music!