Hey folks, I have some great news to share. Televangelist Kenneth Copeland and his backing group of s̶h̶e̶e̶p̶ f̶u̶c̶k̶e̶r̶ ̶Jesus freak apostles has cured the world of COVID-19!!!

The scamvangelist, who has amassed a whopping net worth of $850 million by scamming elderly hayseed half-wits, and his band of p̶o̶r̶n̶ ̶f̶e̶t̶i̶s̶h̶i̶s̶t̶s̶ God’s best friends have damned COVID-19 to hell in the name of Jesus.

 

OMG. Even he couldn’t make it through without laughing a his own bullshit. Anyway, I’ve included his r̶a̶v̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶r̶a̶n̶t̶i̶n̶g̶s̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶a̶ ̶l̶u̶n̶a̶t̶i̶c̶ beautiful prayer that totally worked below so you can all memorize it because it’s going be on the test to get into Heaven. 

The Almighty God!

The El Shaddai God!

The God who is Almighty!

He’s more than enough.

He is the miracle-working God.

Today, we speak to this atmosphere from the state of Washington to the state of Maine. From Southern California to Brownsville, Texas. And the tip of Florida. And wherever else in the world it’s needed.

Wind! Almighty! Strong! South wind! Heat! Burn this thing! In the name of Jesus! I say, you bow your knees! You fall on your face.

COVID-19! [blows like and drunk college kids after 30 shots of Popov vodka]

I blow the wind of God on you! You are destroyed forever. And you’ll never be back. Thank you, God. Let it happen. Cause it to happen.

NOTE:  Apparently the sermon he delivered last week destroying COVIS-19 with only one backing the man of the Lord didn’t work so I’m assuming that’s why he had five today. Today’s cure definitely worked though. Hallelujah! Christ Almighty, Amen! 

 

But listen folks, and this is IMPORTANT, don’t stop your tithing just because you lost your job. Just email Kenny the bootlicker your money and he’ll be sure to save a place for you in Heaven!

Fear of this coronavirus is faith in its ability to hurt you or kill you. The fear of “What are we gonna do? I’m getting laid off at work!”

Hey! Your job’s not your source. If it is, you’re in trouble. Jesus is your source! Whatever you do right now, don’t you stop tithing! Don’t you stop sowing offerings.

“Well, they won’t let us go to church!”

Well, email it in, then! Text together. Something. But you get your tithe in that church if you have to go take it down there and drop it off… stick it under the door or something. You get that tithe in that church, you get that offering in that church, and then you go home and do what you’re supposed to do.

(Now I know this is my first ever (today) saying this, but maybe I wouldn’t be sad if Mr. Copeland caught the rona and got to meet God really soon!)

 

PS – Are they really porn fetish sheep fuckers? Probably not but they certainly are scumbags! #satire

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