Hey Fellas You’re Off The Hook, The RI Catholic Church Has Cancelled Valentine’s day!

Praise be to God! In his infinite wisdom, Bishop Thomas J. Tobin from the Providence Catholic Diocese has cancelled Valentine’s Day!!

Now before you get all up in arms, it’s important to realize why. You see, Valentine’s Day falls on Ash Wednesday this year and “Ash Wednesday is to God, what Valentine’s Day is to lovers.”

Bishop Tobin cuts right to the chase in his weekly (?, I’m just assuming it’s weekly. I’ve never read it before) column in the RI Catholic, Bishop Tobin writes:

The impending collision of Ash Wednesday and Valentine’s Day on the calendar this year might seem like in insurmountable conflict to some, and understandably so, for after all, the themes of one day are totally incompatible with the themes of the other.

For example, Valentine’s Day is all about romantic love, opulent dinners, decadent chocolates, beautiful flowers and mushy poetry. (“How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.”) Ash Wednesday, on the other hand, insists on penance, prayer, mortification, simplicity and dire warnings. (“Remember, man, that thou art dust and unto dust thou will return.”)

Perhaps we can start referring to this as the St. Valentine’s Day miracle? No lofty expectations, no disappointment when you don’t get the perfect candy, or earrings that make her skin turn green, oh and God forbid you forgot to make reservations because you were too shell shocked that your grand 2017 romantic gesture of dinner at Red Lobster followed by a night at the Pineapple Inn went over like a lead balloon. I mean how can one predict a shellfish allergy? And what kind of Pineapple Inn doesn’t have a coin operated, vibrating bed with a heart shaped tub and mirrors on the ceiling? Hello, we’re in the new millennium, people. Let’s get our shit together!

Anyway, as painful as this news is to accept, we must accept it because it’s the will of our Lord. Ever heard of him?

Wait, wait, wait. And while we’re at it, can we talk about the unsightly ashes on the forehead?



It’s time that the Catholic Church comes out of the dark ages and starts with some custom designs.

This year I’m going with the Tebow!



PS – As of publication, March 14th is still on schedule and is right around the corner!