Newport Buzz Emergency Broadcast System: We have a missing pit bull near West Main Road

Alright folks we have a lost Black/White/Tan pit bull puppy in the West Main Road area.

Our fugitive has been on the run for more than 48 hours. Average foot speed over uneven ground barring injuries is 4 miles-per-hour. That gives us a radius of um…carry the two, uhh, fuck, a shit ton! What I need out of each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse, boathouse, gatehouse and doghouse in that area. Checkpoints go up every 20 miles.

Your fugitive’s name is Prada.

Please call (401) 999-3731 if you spot her. DO NOT CHASE.

And GO!!!!